I started my treatment on a drug called imatinib, hailed as the “magic bullet” to cure cancer by Time magazine back in 2001. I soon moved to a high dose of imatinib because it wasn’t working well enough and after 3 years my consultant decided to move me onto dasatinib, a second generation of treatment which has evidently worked very well.

When reviewing treatment for a resistance in standard dose imatinib earlier this year the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE), a special health authority of the English National Health Service (NHS), rejected the use of dasatinib and higher dose imatinib because it considered them not to be cost-effective. It did however approve the use of nilotinib, another second generation drug, because the manufacturer offered a price discount to the NHS called a patient access scheme. Upon diagnosis this would have left me the choice of just one drug before a risky bone marrow transplant was considered. At the time I had the choice of two drugs and high dosage imatinib. I’d consider this a step backwards in treating CML.

Not content with restricting the choice of second line therapy NICE are currently reviewing first line therapy. They will be making recommendations on which, if any, drugs are to be made available on the NHS for first line use in CML. In the very worst case scenario they may not approve any, although I have been told this is very unlikely. It is likely that they will once again restrict access to these life-saving drugs by approving just one and basing their decision on cost rather than effectiveness.

It is important to consider that these drugs don’t buy a few months or a few years they buy your life back! Thanks to these drugs it is more than likely that I will die from something other than Leukaemia. The drugs I take that target cancer cells and shut them down are, what I believe, the start of the elusive cure for cancer. Yet a government body, which is part of the NHS and paid for by the taxpayer is trying to stop that progress in the name of cost effectiveness.

So last week I visited the Houses of Parliament. Mission objective: to take part in a CML Patient Lobby. The idea being to have a single day when patients could meet respective MPs, and ask them to take action by urging NICE to give positive guidance to all three drugs being appraised for first line treatment: nilotinib, standard dose imatinib, and dasatinib.

With support from Leukaemia Care, a charity based in Worcester, I went with a high moral stance and a very personal story to tell. It would clearly be best for all CML patients and families for their doctors to have the widest choice of treatments possible, in case of any intolerance and/or resistance by individuals to any one or more of these drugs. Hence the lobby wanted them all to be made available one way or another.

My fellow CML patients who also attended the lobby had travelled in from far and wide and included a gentleman who was in his 80s and had Leukaemia for 18 years! Only thanks to the wide range of treatment was he still active and enjoying life. We had all arranged private appointments with our local MPs but managed group discussions with Alan Meale MP, who was the sponsor of an Early Day Motion (#1831), and Alex Cunningham MP who is a member of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Cancer. Both listened intently and agreed that they would look into ways to support us by writing to NICE and the pharmaceutical companies to ask for better patient access schemes. We also had a chance encounter with Lord Maginnis of Drumglass who was concerned about our case and told us he would be happy for us to contact him with a view to getting a question raised in the House of Lords.

My local MP Mark Garnier has been supportive in the past by writing letters to the Department of Health when NICE were debating second line therapy. Sadly all we ever got back were template letters from the offices of Earl Howe (Parliamentary Under Secretary of State with special responsibility for NICE) and Andrew Lansley MP (Secretary of State for Health). From their responses it felt that they were simply washing their hands of the situation. The population of CML patients who received these template letters all felt that NICE was simply a body set up by the Government to make unpopular decisions. Sadly even the Early Day Motion set up to draw attention to the issue was politicised. Out of the 43 MP signatures 27 were Labour, 5 were Liberal Democrats and 2 were Conservatives, the remaining 9 were made up from other parties.

Today Mark was really interested in finding out more about our issues and helping. He listened intently and asked questions. He was particularly concerned about the process NICE uses to make decisions. As CML is particularly rare, only around 550 people are diagnosed each year with it and the median age at diagnosis is around 60. So harvesting any research is hard because there just isn’t the number of people with the disease. The committee at NICE insist on a preference for a gold standard clinical trial model to make a decision, even though such a model is undeliverable in this case. NICE does not deny that these drugs are more clinically effective than their predecessors but their issue is that there is a paucity of acceptable data from international clinical trials and this serves to inhibit the appraisal committee’s confidence in giving a positive recommendation. In other words the drugs work but because NICE doesn’t have enough people to do a clinical trial to their gold standard then they won’t recommend.

Mark agreed that if this was the case it was concerning and he would be supportive of a letter to NICE to question their model. He also agreed to support my approaches to pharmaceutical companies asking them to offer patient access schemes and therefore reduce the cost of the drugs to the NHS. Finally he suggested we could ask written Parliamentary Question through him to get answers to questions that were previously ignored. In all he couldn’t have been more helpful and supportive.

The day was a great success. I think the group made a slight ripple in a rather big pond and we certainly gained some fantastic support from the people who run our country. I fear that this is just the start of the battle and although my drugs are unaffected by any new decisions this fight is for the people diagnosed today, tomorrow or next year.

Andrew Lansley promised a reformed NHS that would give patients, “real choice for the first time.” His promises have a hollow ring at the moment. The priority appears to be restricted choice and penny-pinching. NICE claims to be an organisation that is responsible for providing national guidance on promoting good health and preventing and treating ill health. Professor John Goodman, a world authority on Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia, stated when speaking of the NICE committee and their draft recommendation in a recent interview, “There must be a reason why intelligent people produce something that is crassly stupid.”

Darel Russel, “joined to keep up with pals and realised that I was not so anonymous. Lol. Love the banter and keeping up-to-date with social side of things.”

Gary Holt, “joined for a laugh really, always nice to get help to questions and advice about things like books and films.”

And Leon McKenzie has personal reasons, “I joined for my music reasons really, banter, my views and opinions. I like to be heard. Love me or hate me, I’m me. Haha!”

I’ve always fancied keeping a diary and it’s good for networking.

Yes this is the world of Twitter. It’s the place you can speak directly with your favourite author, film star, sportsman, as long as they deem your tweet worthy of response. For the record I tweeted all 36 of the people below and had just 4 responses so don’t get your hopes up. However for some of us just knowing what your favourite player or Norwich legend has been doing in their spare time is enough: travel plans, reflections of a game, charity work, inappropriate comments. Ooops yes it’s normally these comments that bring the headlines and the fury of managers.

QPR boss Neil Warnock on Anton Ferdinand, “I think he’s a twit for using Twitter. I don’t agree with it, but I suppose if you’re into that you have to take the rough with the smooth. I’ve already told him to come off Twitter”. Alex McLeish on transfer rumours, “It is utter nonsense. It is a phenomenon of the modern world – Twitter and Facebook – and it is not my world”.
You can understand why some managers would prefer their players to keep their comments and private lives under wraps and it’s understood Paul Lambert isn’t a huge fan of his players using Twitter. But this doesn’t stop them. Thankfully our boys appear to be pretty well behaved.

So this is less of a guide to using Twitter, you can find those all over the Internet. This is a directory of current and former players who talk the talk, walk the walk and tweet the tweet.

Former Players

Dean Ashton
@dean36ashton10

Lee Croft
@croft7

Ian Crook
@chippycrook63

Paul Dalglish
@pauldalglish

Dion Dublin
@diondublinsdube

Darren Eadie
@eadie11

Robert Earnshaw
@robertearnshaw

Dickson Etuhu
@dicksonetuhu

Craig Fleming
@craigflemingfit

Jeremy Goss
@11gossy

Bryan Gunn
@mrgunny1963

John Hartson
@johnhartson10

Gary Holt
@gholt8

Darren Huckerby
@hucks6dh6

Malky Mackay
@malkymackay

Leon McKenzie
@leonmckenzie1

Anthony McNamee
@amcnameereal

Paul McVeigh
@paulmcveigh77

Jon Otsemobor
@semi36

Daniel Pacheco
@dani37pacheco

Iwan Roberts
@iwanwroberts

Carl Robinson
@carlrobinson33

Darel Russell
@darelrussell

Mathias Svensson
@svensenegger

Owain Tudur Jones
@OwainTJones17

Steve Walsh
@stevewalsh5

Active Players

Elliott Bennett
@ebenno88

David Fox
@davidfox1983

Grant Holt
@holty30

Wes Hoolahan
@weshoolahan14

Bradley Johnson
@realbradjohnson

Kyle Naughton
@knaughts88

Anthony Pilkington
@pilkington_11

James Vaughan
@vaughany08

Zak Whitbread
@zakwhitbread

NCFC Related Twitter Links

Norwich City FC
@NorwichCityFC

Pink Un
@pinkun

Norwich City Ladies FC
@ncfcladies

Stephen Fry
@stephenfry

David McNally
@davidmcnally62 

Joe Ferrari
@joe_ferrari

If I’ve missed any or you can confirm that any of these are fake please let me know and I’ll amend the list.

(I cannot guarantee the authenticity of these Twitter accounts.)

Once upon a time there was a goalkeeper who played for Manchester United called Gary Bailey and he was magnificent. My 9-year-old self was completely obsessed with this footballing God and to a certain extent the team he played for. It helped that be bore an uncanny resemblance to Charlie “The Cat” Carter who played for Melchester Rovers. I was an avid Roy of the Rovers fan and Charlie was their star man between the sticks. You could say I was slightly obsessed with goalkeepers.

As you would expect I had no connection to the Manchester area whatsoever and being 1985 this was way before Man Utd Inc. No, my love of the club was down to their magical number one. I collected Panini stickers and always ensured the United team was completed first. I watched them on TV and I was bought Manchester United gloves and hat for Christmas, primarily to keep me warm. It is still fair to say my commitment to the Red Devils was greater than the majority of their supporters.

I’d just started the new Panini album which covered the 1985/86 season with big stickers and excellent shinies. Not like the poor excuse for a sticker album they produce nowadays. No this was a man-sized album and I remember taking it to school in a separate bag, not the only one I might add. Playtime become a battleground of swapping; poker face on, “got, got, got, got, got, need, neeeeed”. Then trying to convince a fellow 9-year-old that three Peter Shreeves were easily worth a Norman Whiteside. Just why were there so many Peter Shreeves?

This was a golden time when transfer activity could happen at any moment, no more countdown or inflated prices. “Big” Ron Atkinson could do his business whenever he liked and transfer rumours trickled into the playground, quite unlike the current tidal wave of football news. I can’t remember who told me, perhaps they didn’t, perhaps I dreamt it, perhaps I’d read that Gary Bailey was born in Ipswich (which he was) and got confused. But Gary Bailey was being signed by Norwich. If I’d have had a clue I would have simply dismissed this as untrue. Bailey was being recognised by England and with a World Cup coming up why would he move to Division 2 Norwich? My 9-year-old brain didn’t care, if Bailey was off to Norwich then so was I, or was it Ipswich? They were both in the same division and sounded so similar. Thankfully my Granddad spent a very long weekend putting me straight, yes I was that close to being a binner. So Norwich it was.

The first place to start was my sticker album, sadly all division 2 clubs were afforded back then was a team shot and a half-size shiny club badge. I remember spending hours pouring over the team shot looking for familiar players, there were none. I read the club info over and over again worrying about the ground capacity which was under review and I belatedly celebrated the Milk Cup win the previous year, gloriously relegated at the same time. I revered Ken Brown for bringing my idol to Norwich and felt rather smug that I was the only Norwich supporter in Worcestershire as far as I knew. No turning back now.

It soon occurred to me that Gary Bailey was still playing for Manchester United. This was not part of the plan. It was too late. I was hooked on the Canaries much to the disdain of my Dad who knew at some point he was going to have to trek across the country with me to the promised land. I partly blame him. If he’d have encouraged me to support Blackpool like him this would have never happened. Sure I’d still be supporting a perennial underachiever but at least when people asked me why I supported Blackpool I didn’t give them the most embarrassing reason in World football. Why do I support Norwich? Because I loved Gary Bailey.

Starbursting Social Media (May 11) – Click here
The first one. Just starting to cover the basics: Gollancz, Game of Thrones, Attack The Block, Wonder Woman, Ain’t It Cool and Blockbuster movies. Finding my feet a little on this one.

Digital Who (June 11) – Click here
Covering Doctor Who and how it has embraced the digital revolution: Doctor Who Magazine, forums, books, authors, podcasts and conventions. A plethora of Twitter users to follow.

Voices (July 11) – Click here
Focus mainly on the spoiler debate and open criticism online. Covering Guido Fawkes, Perez Hilton, The Drudge Report, tmz, Gawker, Holy Moly, Mashable, Roger Ebert, Mark Kermode and many other film critics. Finishing by looking at how responsible a critical reception is for the failure or success of a film using Disney Pixar Cars 2 and Kevin Smith as examples.

Reverse The Polarity of the eBook Flow (August 11) – Click here
The main focus this month was eBooks and death of printed matter. Covering Amazon Kindle, authors Adam Christopher, Peter James and Jamie Livingston, Angry Robot and Asimov’s Science Fiction. Also detailing the Science Fiction Archive, Doctor Who reconstructions and Doctor Stew!

Digital Fiction and Leicester Zombies (September 11) – Click here
Detailing the art of storytelling and the boom in emagazine fiction in genre publishing. Reviewing some of the best emagazine on the market including: Zombie Times, Clarkesworld Magazine, Spinetinglers, Lightspeed, Fantasy Magazine and Apex Magazine.

The Hitchhiker’s App To Starburst (October 11) – Click here
This month was a bit of a mixed bag, grabbing news and opinion on Google+, SF Encyclopedia, The new Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe, funny Twitter accounts and a breakdown of digital comics.

New content is added to the Starburst website on the 14th of every month. Please drop by and feel free to comment here or there.

FONASHEK!

If you enjoy read this or are touched in any way by my story please sponsor my walk with Sir Ian Botham next March across the Clent Hills near Birmingham for Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research. www.justgiving.com/krisgriffin1

When were you diagnosed with CML?

It was February 2008 and I was 32. I had recently started a new job in the education sector doing marketing and PR (Head of marketing & PR) for a not-for-profit academy sponsor.

How did the diagnosis come about?

The new job involved a longer commute and I was experiencing some pains in my back. I was also having night sweats and had lost a little weight which, quite frankly, felt totally insignificant. I had no idea that my body was sending out a distress signal. I went to the GP who prescribed paracetamol and wasn’t overly concerned. Still in pain I returned 4 weeks later and was tested for arthritis. The blood results returned a white blood count of 190+ and a diagnosis of CML.

What has happened since? (An outline chronology of events is fine)

After diagnosis I had a 3 day wait before seeing my consultant at Worcester hospital. My GP didn’t know anything about CML so was unable to advise what my future held; if I was going to live or die. I felt numb and then, ridiculously, proceeded to scare myself senseless on the Internet for 3 days looking at out-of-date, incorrect information. I walked in to the hospital expecting an immediate bone-marrow-transplant and a slim chance of survival and walked out with hope. My consultant spent a long time with my partner and I explaining what had happened and how we were going to treat it. He was marvellous.

I immediately made a conscious decision to be very open about my situation. Telling family was tough, telling friends, oddly, was worse. I was open with everyone about my diagnosis and encouraged people to ask questions – it seemed to help. My work was very supportive as was my partner but it felt like we were really all along for the ride. I was totally in the hands of the healthcare professionals.

To this end it appeared all I could do was cooperate, live more healthily, do what I was told and stay positive. So I got on with my life. Kelly and I got married just 7 months after diagnoses, we had been together for 12 years and the whole situation made me grow up a little. We discovered Italy after being priced out of our American holidays because the travel insurance was so expensive. We worked hard and we played hard.

In the first 3 years my body didn’t ever really take to the first line of treatment which was Glivec (Imatinib). Almost immediately I was put up to 600mg per day from the standard 400mg. Some of the side effects weren’t nice: constantly upset stomach, bone pains and tiredness. However if this drug was going to keep me alive I was going to keep at it. My consultant was brilliant, always patient, always willing to try something different or new.

Perhaps the worst part were the fairly regular bone marrow biopsies. I tend to call them a necessary evil. Marrow and bone is extracted using a long needle inserted at the top of the buttock. The flesh could be numbed using anaesthetic, the bone couldn’t. I found it extremely painful but adrenalin, good care and a 3 day recovery got me back on my feet. In the first 3 years I probably had around 12 of these. The results of these gave my consultants a birds-eye view how well I was doing on the drugs.

I didn’t spend a single night in hospital and never really considered myself sick, I was too busy getting on with things. We managed to reduce the % of Philadelphia Chromosome right down to 4% at one point but it was hard to stabilise and sometimes crept up. My consultants were determined that considering my young age, dashing good looks and general good health I really should be having a better reaction.

Under the guidance of the magnificent Professor (Charlie) Craddock at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham I was taken off Glivec and put on Sprycel (Dasatinib). The was a newer drug with excellent results but Glivec was my safely net and I felt very nervous. There was a chance these new drugs may not work and I’d potentially I’d be looking at a transplant.

It was just before this happened that Kelly and I decided to have a baby. My consultant had sent me off to the sperm bank 3 years previously as they were unsure what affect the Glivec would have on my sperm. We went through ICSI treatment at the Women’s Hospital at the Queen Elizabeth in Birmingham and Kelly found out she was pregnant around the same time I was switching tablets.

It was quite an uncertain time and although very recently all feels a bit of a blur to me. After 3 months of being on the Dasatinib I had a bone marrow biopsy and just a few days after returning from a short holiday to Italy I received a phone call from my Worcester consultant Mark. He was very pleased with my progress and the results showed I had achieved major molecular remission, just one step away from the best result possible which is complete molecular remission. Needless to say I am hoping I’ll hit this target after the next biopsy.

To all intents and purposes I have very little to worry about. The likelihood is that Leukaemia will not kill me. The unknown has never been so welcome and baby Luca arrives in late October.

(UPDATE: Luca Arthur Francesco Griffin arrived a little earlier in October. He is well and we are enjoying being parents.)

How have you managed to cope with CML?

Quite frankly you aren’t left with a huge choice. I was determined it wouldn’t scar me psychologically or let it define me. That’s why I told people so early. I believe the only thing you can do is look for the positives and let your survival instincts kick in. Believe it or not there are many positives.

The support and advice I received at Worcester, Kidderminster and Birmingham hospitals was amazing and still is. I was exposed to a world of care filled with many wonderful people. I stopped searching the Internet for stories about Leukaemia and got my work/life balance just right. I tried being the best person I could possibly be. The CML became secondary, I let the medical professionals worry about my treatment. I’m a fit strong 36-year-old guy with a lovely wife and 2 cats. I’m learning Italian and enjoy writing film scripts. I’ve discovered that I’m strong enough to deal with CML so it isn’t important anymore. In my mind this reduces the effectiveness of the condition.

There are many people worse off than me. People diagnosed with cancer and other horrific diseases every day. On a grand scale I am lucky. I’m still here and I tell myself that every day.

I honestly believe I am a better person because of my experience, it has made me more mature, more considered, patient and understanding towards the needs of others.

What has been the impact of CML on your life?

Before diagnosis I knew very little about Leukaemia. To me it seemed to be the worst form of cancer. I was aware that Ian Botham walked to raise money for it and Geoff Thomas had it but was OK now. It made me understand mortality, at 32, very sobering.

I’m not the impact on my life is that important, as I said before I’m along for the ride. I think it was tough for my family and friends, I know that they felt pretty helpless about what I was going through but they did all they can to support me.

I tried to avoid the highs and the lows. I didn’t sob or get depressed upon diagnosis and I didn’t celebrate remission. I took, and take, everything in my stride. I’ve tried not to let myself get caught up in emotion.

The impact on my life: I got married, I’m having a son, I discovered a new country that I love (and a football team in AS Roma) and I’ve learnt valuable life lessons. It hasn’t all been a bed of roses, of course, but I believe in hope and positivity and that’s what I’ll take from this experience.

What do you hope for the future of CML research and awareness, and what needs to change?

Doing charity work is important for those of us that can. Society should be defined by how we look after those in need. I’m in a position where I am happy to appear on TV, radio or in print and tell people to support me in my charity efforts because I have Leukaemia. It’s the least they can do. I am happy to push any emotional button I can to ensure the fundraising and awareness continues.

The anti-cancer drugs that I take are revolutionising treatment for CML. In 2001 Glivec made the cover of Time magazine as the “magic bullet” to cure cancer. I believe that this revolution will continue on to treat other forms of cancers. Haven’t we been talking about a “cure for cancer” for decades, well here it is!

What needs to change is the bureaucratic process of healthcare, government departments that are incapable of making decisions and clueless national institutes that profess to have the best interest of health at heart but in reality are simply Government puppets designed to make unpopular decisions.

Assuming we are this close to the cure shouldn’t we be saying to people like Professor Craddock in Birmingham and his medical colleagues; what do you need? How much do you need? There should not be a price on life, these decisions should not come down to budgets and spreadsheets. These are the people who will improve our lives, be remembered for truly great things. They look after our health and we must do all we can to support them. Seeing them struggle for budget and campaign for the implementation of procedure that will save lives is plain and simply wrong and this needs to change.

We owe Doctors, Nurses and Scientists everything for dedicating their lives to health-care and for looking after us, if that isn’t inspiring I don’t know what is.

—————————–

Quote from comedian Bill Hicks: “The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly coloured, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love.”

Roll on next series but in the meantime I’m going to continue posting these into the ether in the hope that one day, someone, anyone, finds a little something, just ever so slightly, funny.

The Observer newspaper this week revealed the Tory party is suspected of having ties to the US far right. In other news the Pope confirms his allegiance to the catholic church and reports confirm that a bear, has indeed, shit in the woods.

Reports are that Adam Werritty will be probed intensively by Police. Eye witnesses at Mr Werritty’s local Constabulary  have said a man fitting Mr Werritty’s description has been banging on the station door to let him in.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Adam Werritty was actually an advisor to DJ Dr Neil Fox and all this was a simple misunderstanding.

Only 12 Scottish babies were adopted last year despite hundreds languishing in care. This has to be the first time in history the Scots haven’t taken advantage of something for free. Sadly these pasty, ginger, tartan wearing babies will struggle to find homes unless Angelina Jolie really wants to mix it up or the English decide to get mercenary and take advantage of the free Scottish university places the children are untitled to.

Surprise surprise William Hague looks like he is going to get caught up in the Adam Werritty affair. I wish they would all just get a room. And invite Louie Spence.

The coalition is launching a multimillion-pound scheme to teach parents how to look after their own children. I say we all club together and fund a How To Run A Country scheme for the coalition.

Newspapers criticised David Cameron this week for not keeping a tighter grip on his ministers. The Prime Minister robustly rejected the claim and said the reason he employed Adam Werritty was because of his tight, firm, manly grip.

Dom Jolly is promoting time-saving tips with the Halifax. Ironically my number 1 time saving tip would be to pretend Dom Jolly didn’t exist.

Lord Sainsbury has been confirmed as the new Chancellor of the University of Cambridge. Amazing what club card points will get you these days.

The rental home crisis in the UK worsens. The regulatory body has said the demand is outstripping supply. The situation is so bad that some MPs are having to make do with just 2 or 3 publicly subsidised residencies.

In the future schools will be asked to take charge of their own expelled pupils. To set a good example David Cameron has cleared the naughty step at Downing Street for Liam Fox.

There were just 3.6 seconds separating Lewis Hamilton, Mark Webber, Jenson Button and Fernando Alonso at the recent Korean GP. Impressive but nothing compared to the speed and proximity Adam Werritty chased Liam Fox all over the World.

How dare ‘the people’ take to the streets and occupy major cities in protest at the actions of Government. Don’t they know you have to bomb them first and then get the military to occupy.

After much criticism Hilary Swank has agreed to donate to charity the personal appearance fee she received from Chechen warlord Ramzan Kadyrov. Blur’s Damon Albarn is considering a similar donation in light of the funds received from Tony Blair during the 1997 election campaign.

Be back soon.

Kris

Without further ado let me introduce my latest rejected one liners:

Not wanting to miss out on current affairs the porn industry has actually produced My Big Fat Gypsy Porno. I find this a little disrespectful and politically incorrect to the point of insult, shouldn’t it be My Big Fat Traveller Porno.

It’s been announced that technology the scientists are using to break through 2 miles of ice to sample the lake under the polar cap will be the same technology they use to find David Cameron’s heart. Neither experiment is expected to find the desired results.

Sad news to hear about the death of Steve Jobs. His Apple technology has caused a global technology revolution and the intuitive auto-correct function on iPhones and iPads has revolutionised smelling.

I thank you.

Kris

Another set of unused Newsjack one liners. I certainly hope they keep you amused. Comments appreciated, even if you think they aren’t funny.

 Recent reports and medical advances suggest we could all live until 2000 years old. So much to look forward to:

• working for 1500 years.
• another 1900 years of Brucie hosting Strictly.
• Des O Connor’s one man quest to populate the polar ice caps.
• we could finally see Tony Blair face off against Margaret Thatcher as they both make comebacks. At least we’ll find out what happens when 2 forces of unadulterated evil clash.
• and finally George W Bush making a comeb… actually no forget that. I can’t imagine finding another generation of Americans that stupid. (I’d raise my eyebrow if you could see it).

Alastair Darling has claimed inevitably George Osborne will have to change course. Hopefully this new direction will take him to the outer reaches of the galaxy.

Thingy’s been in charge of the Labour party for one year now and whilst the party are ahead in the polls he’s still struggling with relative anonymity. His brother David Milliband commented, “I feel very sorry for my brother whatshisname but we can’t all be blessed with charm, charisma and an identifiable personality.”

After Amanda Knox’s acquittal and subsequent return to the US millions of Americans have vowed never to visit Italy. Tourist figures have shown a huge increase in bookings to Italy from the Muslim world and in particular Brits, who are returning to Florence to enjoy the city without sports-bars and drunk students. A city official was quoted as saying she was delighted to be able to finally remove the mouse ears from Michelangelo’s David.

After Foxy Knoxy was released and returned to the US Italian police have arrested 2 suspects in the ongoing case. The suspects have been named as Cocky Locky and Goosey Loosey. Police chief Turky Lurky commented, “their defence council Henny Penny will struggle to keep these 2 out of prison.”

Check the Newsjack podcast out, follow them on Twitter (http://twitter.com/NewsjackBBC) or visit the website: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/newsjack.

Thanks all,

Kris

In the meantime these were my rejected submissions this week:

• So the Seven Dwarves series on Channel 4 is coming to an end. It’s surprising how much time they spend outside smoking, don’t they know that it stunts your growth.
• Scrap men all over the UK were on high alert in case the satellite landed on their patch. The danger to the public wasn’t from falling metal, moreover the sound of a million horns and trumpets all being blown at once.
• Huge trails on the BBC for their new season. Trevor McDonald is sailing down the mighty Mississippi, Joanna Lumley is on a Greek Odyssey, Billy Connelly travels America on Route 66 and Caroline Quentin visits Cornwall. I think it’s fair to say she’s upset someone at the BBC. If things don’t improve her next stop will be Walsall.
• In a week where Jim Henson would have celebrated his 75^th birthday a wonderful gesture by the Liberal Democrats to replace all of their MPs with Muppets for their annual conference.
• Is t me or is Planet Dinosaur just a prehistoric Russian Doll game where small dinosaur gets eaten by big dinosaur, which gets eaten by bigger dinosaur, which gets eaten by bigger dinosaur. Let’s just hope they don’t wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside.
• Will the X-Factor judges please stop telling talentless contestants to be strong and try again. Tell them to get a proper job. At this rate the majority of the population will be applying annually.
• I love that the SAS have released a book and are charging £1000 for it. Surely that’s like them just saying, “go on, nick it, I dare you, I double dare you.”
• Ireland recorded the first ever case of spontaneous human combustion last week. The producers of Ireland’s Got Talent are reviewing their rules.
• A junior school in Gloucester has banned leather footballs from the playground. A charity has criticised the move saying that the students won’t ever end up like George Best if they can’t play with a heavier ball. Premier League officials have requested sponge balls at all forthcoming fixtures.
• America’s getting tough. Texas has ended the last supper request on death row. They’ll think twice before they murder anyone else.