Rejected by BBC Newsjack #1

I’ve started to submit to the BBC radio comedy show Newsjack. They have an open submission policy and I’m enjoying putting together some one liners. Nothing has been used yet but I believe they receive over 1000 pages of one liners each week. Check the Newsjack podcast out, follow them on Twitter ( or visit the website:

In the meantime these were my rejected submissions this week:

  • So the Seven Dwarves series on Channel 4 is coming to an end. It’s surprising how much time they spend outside smoking, don’t they know that it stunts your growth.
  • Scrap men all over the UK were on high alert in case the satellite landed on their patch. The danger to the public wasn’t from falling metal, moreover the sound of a million horns and trumpets all being blown at once.
  • Huge trails on the BBC for their new season. Trevor McDonald is sailing down the mighty Mississippi, Joanna Lumley is on a Greek Odyssey, Billy Connelly travels America on Route 66 and Caroline Quentin visits Cornwall. I think it’s fair to say she’s upset someone at the BBC. If things don’t improve her next stop will be Walsall.
  • In a week where Jim Henson would have celebrated his 75th birthday a wonderful gesture by the Liberal Democrats to replace all of their MPs with Muppets for their annual conference.
  • Is t me or is Planet Dinosaur just a prehistoric Russian Doll game where small dinosaur gets eaten by big dinosaur, which gets eaten by bigger dinosaur, which gets eaten by bigger dinosaur. Let’s just hope they don’t wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside.
  • Will the X-Factor judges please stop telling talentless contestants to be strong and try again. Tell them to get a proper job. At this rate the majority of the population will be applying annually.
  • I love that the SAS have released a book and are charging £1000 for it. Surely that’s like them just saying, “go on, nick it, I dare you, I double dare you.”
  • Ireland recorded the first ever case of spontaneous human combustion last week. The producers of Ireland’s Got Talent are reviewing their rules.
  • A junior school in Gloucester has banned leather footballs from the playground. A charity has criticised the move saying that the students won’t ever end up like George Best if they can’t play with a heavier ball. Premier League officials have requested sponge balls at all forthcoming fixtures.
  • America’s getting tough. Texas has ended the last supper request on death row. They’ll think twice before they murder anyone else.

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