Phantom of the Newsjack

Back again. I went in with a bang for the last episode of the current BBC Newsjack series and returned with silence. But not to worry, as ever I enjoyed writing these and I hope you find them as unfunny as the Newsjack gang did.

Roll on next series but in the meantime I’m going to continue posting these into the ether in the hope that one day, someone, anyone, finds a little something, just ever so slightly, funny.

The Observer newspaper this week revealed the Tory party is suspected of having ties to the US far right. In other news the Pope confirms his allegiance to the catholic church and reports confirm that a bear, has indeed, shit in the woods.

Reports are that Adam Werritty will be probed intensively by Police. Eye witnesses at Mr Werritty’s local Constabulary  have said a man fitting Mr Werritty’s description has been banging on the station door to let him in.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Adam Werritty was actually an advisor to DJ Dr Neil Fox and all this was a simple misunderstanding.

Only 12 Scottish babies were adopted last year despite hundreds languishing in care. This has to be the first time in history the Scots haven’t taken advantage of something for free. Sadly these pasty, ginger, tartan wearing babies will struggle to find homes unless Angelina Jolie really wants to mix it up or the English decide to get mercenary and take advantage of the free Scottish university places the children are untitled to.

Surprise surprise William Hague looks like he is going to get caught up in the Adam Werritty affair. I wish they would all just get a room. And invite Louie Spence.

The coalition is launching a multimillion-pound scheme to teach parents how to look after their own children. I say we all club together and fund a How To Run A Country scheme for the coalition.

Newspapers criticised David Cameron this week for not keeping a tighter grip on his ministers. The Prime Minister robustly rejected the claim and said the reason he employed Adam Werritty was because of his tight, firm, manly grip.

Dom Jolly is promoting time-saving tips with the Halifax. Ironically my number 1 time saving tip would be to pretend Dom Jolly didn’t exist.

Lord Sainsbury has been confirmed as the new Chancellor of the University of Cambridge. Amazing what club card points will get you these days.

The rental home crisis in the UK worsens. The regulatory body has said the demand is outstripping supply. The situation is so bad that some MPs are having to make do with just 2 or 3 publicly subsidised residencies.

In the future schools will be asked to take charge of their own expelled pupils. To set a good example David Cameron has cleared the naughty step at Downing Street for Liam Fox.

There were just 3.6 seconds separating Lewis Hamilton, Mark Webber, Jenson Button and Fernando Alonso at the recent Korean GP. Impressive but nothing compared to the speed and proximity Adam Werritty chased Liam Fox all over the World.

How dare ‘the people’ take to the streets and occupy major cities in protest at the actions of Government. Don’t they know you have to bomb them first and then get the military to occupy.

After much criticism Hilary Swank has agreed to donate to charity the personal appearance fee she received from Chechen warlord Ramzan Kadyrov. Blur’s Damon Albarn is considering a similar donation in light of the funds received from Tony Blair during the 1997 election campaign.

Be back soon.

Kris

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