Back to being unfunny

Great news that Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 is back. So I submitted a handful of one liners and it turns out I am still completely unfunny.

There have been so many withdrawals from the Government’s work experience programme the Catholic Church has officially endorsed it.

Donald Trump gives £10m to anti-wind farm campaigners. He has also given £5m to fart for freedom.

David Cameron, clearly influenced by Oscar success and popularity is looking to become an altogether different type of Artist.

Ironic that the historic third win for both Margaret Thatcher and Meryl Streep in their chosen professions were both met with utter ambivalence.

Bring on next week. If at first you suck at this, fail, fail and fail again 🙂

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Writing for Starburst Magazine

To date I’ve written 6 editions of my Digital Jazz column for Starburst Magazine, I’m hoping to collate them all into an ebook next year. It’s been a great opportunity and I enjoy crafting the words every month, I know it has helped me improve as a writer. The editorial team running the digital relaunch of Starburst have really got the formula right and in the New Year I think we’ll all see some really exciting developments. In the meantime please take a look, the focus is horror, science fiction and fantasy genres and it’s all tied together with a digital theme, so Twitter, Facebook, You Tube, eBooks, you get the idea. Enjoy.

Starbursting Social Media (May 11)Click here
The first one. Just starting to cover the basics: Gollancz, Game of Thrones, Attack The Block, Wonder Woman, Ain’t It Cool and Blockbuster movies. Finding my feet a little on this one.

Digital Who (June 11)Click here
Covering Doctor Who and how it has embraced the digital revolution: Doctor Who Magazine, forums, books, authors, podcasts and conventions. A plethora of Twitter users to follow.

Voices (July 11)Click here
Focus mainly on the spoiler debate and open criticism online. Covering Guido Fawkes, Perez Hilton, The Drudge Report, tmz, Gawker, Holy Moly, Mashable, Roger Ebert, Mark Kermode and many other film critics. Finishing by looking at how responsible a critical reception is for the failure or success of a film using Disney Pixar Cars 2 and Kevin Smith as examples.

Reverse The Polarity of the eBook Flow (August 11)Click here
The main focus this month was eBooks and death of printed matter. Covering Amazon Kindle, authors Adam Christopher, Peter James and Jamie Livingston, Angry Robot and Asimov’s Science Fiction. Also detailing the Science Fiction Archive, Doctor Who reconstructions and Doctor Stew!

Digital Fiction and Leicester Zombies (September 11)Click here
Detailing the art of storytelling and the boom in emagazine fiction in genre publishing. Reviewing some of the best emagazine on the market including: Zombie Times, Clarkesworld Magazine, Spinetinglers, Lightspeed, Fantasy Magazine and Apex Magazine.

The Hitchhiker’s App To Starburst (October 11)Click here
This month was a bit of a mixed bag, grabbing news and opinion on Google+, SF Encyclopedia, The new Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe, funny Twitter accounts and a breakdown of digital comics.

New content is added to the Starburst website on the 14th of every month. Please drop by and feel free to comment here or there.

FONASHEK!


Phantom of the Newsjack

Back again. I went in with a bang for the last episode of the current BBC Newsjack series and returned with silence. But not to worry, as ever I enjoyed writing these and I hope you find them as unfunny as the Newsjack gang did.

Roll on next series but in the meantime I’m going to continue posting these into the ether in the hope that one day, someone, anyone, finds a little something, just ever so slightly, funny.

The Observer newspaper this week revealed the Tory party is suspected of having ties to the US far right. In other news the Pope confirms his allegiance to the catholic church and reports confirm that a bear, has indeed, shit in the woods.

Reports are that Adam Werritty will be probed intensively by Police. Eye witnesses at Mr Werritty’s local Constabulary  have said a man fitting Mr Werritty’s description has been banging on the station door to let him in.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Adam Werritty was actually an advisor to DJ Dr Neil Fox and all this was a simple misunderstanding.

Only 12 Scottish babies were adopted last year despite hundreds languishing in care. This has to be the first time in history the Scots haven’t taken advantage of something for free. Sadly these pasty, ginger, tartan wearing babies will struggle to find homes unless Angelina Jolie really wants to mix it up or the English decide to get mercenary and take advantage of the free Scottish university places the children are untitled to.

Surprise surprise William Hague looks like he is going to get caught up in the Adam Werritty affair. I wish they would all just get a room. And invite Louie Spence.

The coalition is launching a multimillion-pound scheme to teach parents how to look after their own children. I say we all club together and fund a How To Run A Country scheme for the coalition.

Newspapers criticised David Cameron this week for not keeping a tighter grip on his ministers. The Prime Minister robustly rejected the claim and said the reason he employed Adam Werritty was because of his tight, firm, manly grip.

Dom Jolly is promoting time-saving tips with the Halifax. Ironically my number 1 time saving tip would be to pretend Dom Jolly didn’t exist.

Lord Sainsbury has been confirmed as the new Chancellor of the University of Cambridge. Amazing what club card points will get you these days.

The rental home crisis in the UK worsens. The regulatory body has said the demand is outstripping supply. The situation is so bad that some MPs are having to make do with just 2 or 3 publicly subsidised residencies.

In the future schools will be asked to take charge of their own expelled pupils. To set a good example David Cameron has cleared the naughty step at Downing Street for Liam Fox.

There were just 3.6 seconds separating Lewis Hamilton, Mark Webber, Jenson Button and Fernando Alonso at the recent Korean GP. Impressive but nothing compared to the speed and proximity Adam Werritty chased Liam Fox all over the World.

How dare ‘the people’ take to the streets and occupy major cities in protest at the actions of Government. Don’t they know you have to bomb them first and then get the military to occupy.

After much criticism Hilary Swank has agreed to donate to charity the personal appearance fee she received from Chechen warlord Ramzan Kadyrov. Blur’s Damon Albarn is considering a similar donation in light of the funds received from Tony Blair during the 1997 election campaign.

Be back soon.

Kris


Don’t cry for me BBC Newsjack

Here we are again we another small set of rejected one liners from the brilliant BBC radio comedy show Newsjack. I love this show and would love to hear my work used BUT I also enjoy coming up with these, so just knowing I’m in with a shout is pretty cool for me. One day..

Without further ado let me introduce my latest rejected one liners:

Not wanting to miss out on current affairs the porn industry has actually produced My Big Fat Gypsy P0rno. I find this a little disrespectful and politically incorrect to the point of insult, shouldn’t it be My Big Fat Traveller P0rno.

It’s been announced that technology the scientists are using to break through 2 miles of ice to sample the lake under the polar cap will be the same technology they use to find David Cameron’s heart. Neither experiment is expected to find the desired results.

Sad news to hear about the death of Steve Jobs. His Apple technology has caused a global technology revolution and the intuitive auto-correct function on iPhones and iPads has revolutionised smelling.

I thank you.

Kris

—-the intentional error on the word p0rno is due to the site being spammed and searched for under the incorrect term—————-


More unused Newsjack one liners…

Hi all,

Another set of unused Newsjack one liners. I certainly hope they keep you amused. Comments appreciated, even if you think they aren’t funny.

 Recent reports and medical advances suggest we could all live until 2000 years old. So much to look forward to:

  • working for 1500 years.
  • another 1900 years of Brucie hosting Strictly.
  • Des O Connor’s one man quest to populate the polar ice caps.
  • we could finally see Tony Blair face off against Margaret Thatcher as they both make comebacks. At least we’ll find out what happens when 2 forces of unadulterated evil clash.
  • and finally George W Bush making a comeb… actually no forget that. I can’t imagine finding another generation of Americans that stupid. (I’d raise my eyebrow if you could see it).

Alastair Darling has claimed inevitably George Osborne will have to change course. Hopefully this new direction will take him to the outer reaches of the galaxy.

Thingy’s been in charge of the Labour party for one year now and whilst the party are ahead in the polls he’s still struggling with relative anonymity. His brother David Milliband commented, “I feel very sorry for my brother whatshisname but we can’t all be blessed with charm, charisma and an identifiable personality.”

After Amanda Knox’s acquittal and subsequent return to the US millions of Americans have vowed never to visit Italy. Tourist figures have shown a huge increase in bookings to Italy from the Muslim world and in particular Brits, who are returning to Florence to enjoy the city without sports-bars and drunk students. A city official was quoted as saying she was delighted to be able to finally remove the mouse ears from Michelangelo’s David.

After Foxy Knoxy was released and returned to the US Italian police have arrested 2 suspects in the ongoing case. The suspects have been named as Cocky Locky and Goosey Loosey. Police chief Turky Lurky commented, “their defence council Henny Penny will struggle to keep these 2 out of prison.”

Check the Newsjack podcast out, follow them on Twitter (http://twitter.com/NewsjackBBC) or visit the website: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/newsjack.

Thanks all,

Kris


Rejected by BBC Newsjack #1

I’ve started to submit to the BBC radio comedy show Newsjack. They have an open submission policy and I’m enjoying putting together some one liners. Nothing has been used yet but I believe they receive over 1000 pages of one liners each week. Check the Newsjack podcast out, follow them on Twitter (http://twitter.com/NewsjackBBC) or visit the website: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/newsjack.

In the meantime these were my rejected submissions this week:

  • So the Seven Dwarves series on Channel 4 is coming to an end. It’s surprising how much time they spend outside smoking, don’t they know that it stunts your growth.
  • Scrap men all over the UK were on high alert in case the satellite landed on their patch. The danger to the public wasn’t from falling metal, moreover the sound of a million horns and trumpets all being blown at once.
  • Huge trails on the BBC for their new season. Trevor McDonald is sailing down the mighty Mississippi, Joanna Lumley is on a Greek Odyssey, Billy Connelly travels America on Route 66 and Caroline Quentin visits Cornwall. I think it’s fair to say she’s upset someone at the BBC. If things don’t improve her next stop will be Walsall.
  • In a week where Jim Henson would have celebrated his 75th birthday a wonderful gesture by the Liberal Democrats to replace all of their MPs with Muppets for their annual conference.
  • Is t me or is Planet Dinosaur just a prehistoric Russian Doll game where small dinosaur gets eaten by big dinosaur, which gets eaten by bigger dinosaur, which gets eaten by bigger dinosaur. Let’s just hope they don’t wriggle and jiggle and tickle inside.
  • Will the X-Factor judges please stop telling talentless contestants to be strong and try again. Tell them to get a proper job. At this rate the majority of the population will be applying annually.
  • I love that the SAS have released a book and are charging £1000 for it. Surely that’s like them just saying, “go on, nick it, I dare you, I double dare you.”
  • Ireland recorded the first ever case of spontaneous human combustion last week. The producers of Ireland’s Got Talent are reviewing their rules.
  • A junior school in Gloucester has banned leather footballs from the playground. A charity has criticised the move saying that the students won’t ever end up like George Best if they can’t play with a heavier ball. Premier League officials have requested sponge balls at all forthcoming fixtures.
  • America’s getting tough. Texas has ended the last supper request on death row. They’ll think twice before they murder anyone else.